Author Topic: The hell, where I have been.  (Read 4381 times)

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Offline methos

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The hell, where I have been.
« on: December 01, 2008, 01:58:31 AM »
I was just rummaging in the dusty corners of my computer and I ran across the backup files from an old Blackberry I had several years ago. I used it as a sort of journal for a bit. This is the first time I've read any of it since I wrote it 4 years ago. Kinda gut-checked me a bit to read it, I was so blind to so much then. I see a lot clearer these days, but in many ways I'm still stuck in the exact same place. At least now I'm aware of the fact that I only have myself to point fingers at. No more delusions of persecution, so to speak. Anyways, before I get too far ahead of myself here.. heh. I mentioned Spiritplants in one of the entries and reading that compelled me to share them with you. Dunno why, I'm actually kind of apprehensive about posting them, but I came to consider many of you as family over the years I spent here and in SPF Chat, and that feeling hasn't changed. So I want you to know my story since I've been gone. These are a good place to start I guess.So here goes (deep breath).
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2008, 01:59:13 AM »
"Aim For My Head Please"   
"Cause it's the only way to put an end to this vicious cycle. You'd think I'd fucking learn by now that people are worthless. For some reason I still keep letting people into my heart, believing that there is good in everyone, only to have them fuck me off and over repeatedly. I can't believe I let myself get fooled again... And again... And again. And by the same fucking female! Man, what the fuck is wrong with me. Why does this shit happen to me, what did I ever do to deserve this? I've lived my life pretty damn good. I never did anything major to anyone. Yeah sure, I have my share of faults, who doesn't? But nothing in my past warrants this kind of punishment. Sometimes I think, perhaps, that I've already died and because I lived some kind of fucked up life I can't remember, I now reside in hell. And this is my eternal punishment. To live my entire life struggling to be a good, pure of spirit and heart person, only to be screwed every time and by every person without exception, including myself. To get within reach of a good life countless times only to fail inevitably. It's like a broken record, I can go through the script of every argument or shitty event like I have it memorized. Because it's the same every single goddamned time. It maddening. The soul was not made to take this kind of abuse and endure these kinds of conditions. The vast majority of people I know (or don't, for that matter) wouldn't survive a fraction of the shit I've gone through. Hell, most of 'em would break in a day wearing my shoes. 23 years old and I feel my life is already over. My body feels like it's 93 and my mind is not far behind that. I won't even try to put into words how old my soul/spirit feels. How could God create such a rotten creature such as mankind? If He is omnipotent and could see everything to come when He created us then he is very sadistic and cruel. How could a loving God perform such a cruel experiment? And what would be the purpose? To see just how much a spirit can handle before breaking? Just how much pain before faith dies? I don't know."
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2008, 01:59:46 AM »
"Drawing near..."   
"I don't think I have very much time left. It's gotten so bad It's unbearable. I have no answers, no solutions left to try. Nothing works. My anger and bitterness has faded to pure, hopeless depression. I don't think I've ever felt this alone or been this depressed. I'm not sure I'll even make it another month. I don't know what to do. Someone needs to hear me. I need so badly someone I can talk to, who might be able to help me get better, but I have no one. I want to tell my parents how I feel and ask them to help me get back on medication, but I think they'll just get mad and tell me I have already cost them too much... Or they'll just think it's some sort of manipulation technique I'm using to live off of them longer. They are so obsessed with the notion that I am just using them and am oh so comfortable in this existence that they seemingly go out of their way to make things harder. And god forbid they ever take me seriously. They don't know how serious I am."
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2008, 02:00:21 AM »
"I Hate, Therefore I Am Not"   
"It's raining, again. I'm sitting in my car by the side of my my house (not home). How familiar, it seems this is where I wind up a lot. For the most part it's the only place I have some sense of solace. I hate this rain. I hate this rotted emptiness that so permeates every aspect of my life. I hate wanting something so bad and knowing it probably will never be mine (again). I hate feeling hopeless and lost. I hate the thought of tomorrow. I hate loving more that I am loved. I hate when people patronize me. I hate everyone having their perfect solutions and easy "fixes" for my life. Like they could possibly draw any relevant solutions from the miniscule amount they know about me or my life. I hate that no one takes the time to really listen and understand the things I try to say about what's going on in my life or how I feel inside. I hate that people refuse to believe that what I say is what I mean, there are no hidden agendas or ulterior motives. I hate not being givin a chance to change in the eyes of others. I am cursed to forever be regarded as this little kid who lies and steals. No one sees who I really am. I hate feeling like my life has already ended, like I've missed the bus so to speak, and now my life has continued on without me. I hate being left behind, unable to catch up. I hate this sorry excuse for an existence I call life (or is that vice versa?). I hate knowing that I am responsible for my life careening down the drain. I hate not feeling adequate enough to fix it on my own and not trusting anyone to help. Or not having anyone who cares to "trouble" themselves with reaching out to me, or even just being there for me should I need someone. Like I'm some big burden. I hate the fact that I hate so much. I hate hypocrisy and I really hate the fact that I am a hypocrite. I hate being able to clearly see visions of what my life could've been like yet I can't remember what happened earlier today. I hate that I have no hopes for a future, only futile seeming wishes. I hate that I wish I could just flip the life switch and be done with this existence but I am too afraid of death to do it. I hate seeing other people succeed and yet instead of being happy for them, I resent them and it further seeds my bitterness. I hate the person I've become. I hate this eternal internal battle between who I really am and who I've become. I hate the fact that the latter seems to be winning and the real me is slowly dying and fading away. I hate being dead on the inside and alive on the outside, I wish it were one way all the way through, either one would do at this point. I hate that no one will ever read this. I hate that no one would even care to. I hate being alone. I hate being around other people and still being very much alone. I hate hate."
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2008, 02:03:12 AM »
"More Depressing Psycho-Babble..."   
"I haven't been taking very many pictures lately. Way less than I usually do. Is it that there just isn't that much left that I haven't photographed? There's only so much I can do with what I have. Or is this yet another passion/hobby that is being systematically suppressed and forgotten like so many others before it. It's sad how that works out. Four years ago I was a very, very different person. I had plenty of friends, enjoyed things like hiking and camping and going to the beach, was very into exploring the depths of human spirituality and consciousness, and had a generally positive outlook on life. I enjoyed meeting new people, going to social events, and interacting with as many people as I could. I also drank a lot, I was still lazy and the worst of procrastinators, and had my usual assortments of faults. I remember dreaming, vaguely, it's been so long since I've dreamed. My nights are filled with blackness, sterile and unwelcoming. I want to dream again so badly. At least when I dreamed it was like a new life for those fleeting moments, an escape from reality so to speak. Now I have no escape, not even when I'm asleep can I find comfort and solace. All these things I enjoyed have been smothered out, the flame that once burned so brightly inside me is nearly snuffed out. What little light remains is overwhelmed by shadows and thus hides behind walls with teeth bared, letting no one near. I wonder what all my friends at Spiritplants.com are up to... How are they doing? Man, I used to be on that forum every day and in the chat room every night, then just vanished. I guess I still have passion for all those things I mentioned before, I just lack the attention span to think about them ever. Once again it boils down to the overwhelming apathy I feel (or don't feel?). Of all the states of mind one can have, I believe apathy to be the very worst. Apathy is like a shot of novacaine to the soul, mind, and spirit. Everything takes on a numb, detached regard or lack thereof. More and more I feel like the main character in the movie "Memento". The movie is about this guy who suffered a head injury and traumatic event and is no longer able to form new memories. I don't really remember much of the last 4 years (or is it 3?). Time has no meaning to me anymore. It's like I can't feel the passing of time. Two weeks or four months, it seems the same. Fucking Zoe.. She really fucked my world up. I don't even remember why we broke up. I just remember how bad it shattered my happy little world, sending me into a depressed, angry, self-medicating plummet down to where I am today. I bet she barely remembers us and never really was too affected by our separation. Go figure. I fucking hate her for that. Yet, I think somewhere deep inside me I still love her. Actually I know this to be true. I wonder if it's just the act of being in love that I am in love with. Possibly. Perhaps I just cling to those memories so tightly because even though they hurt so much, they cause me to feel. Even the excruciating heartache brought on by those memories is a welcome change from the numbness and emotionlessness of each day. I wonder where she is and how she is doing. Man, this hurts even giving her this much thought, I can't believe that one person could have the capacity to cause me so much pain. I only hope she knows by now the great responsibility you have when you hold someones heart. I wonder how I'd react to seeing her again.. Would I be nice to her? Or lash out at her every chance I got, spitting the venom of four rotted years? Or would I just try to ignore her while my insides twist and turn and my heart is wrenched out and beaten to a pulp? We would've been married now. Shit we exchanged rings and all. I actually asked her to marry me and she said yes. How I wanted that to happen. I wonder if she ever got her apartment at the beach. I suppose I'll never know... I wish I could just magically erase her from my memory, everything else is forgotten, why is it just the bad memories that remain unaffected? It hurts so bad to remember. I wish I could slip into a coma and just dream forever, my dream-life was always so much better than my waking-life. Maybe things will get better one day. They sure won't improve on their own, that's for sure. I wonder if I will ever find love again, true love, love for another person not just love for love itself. I want to have that feeling back again. I was truly in love with Zoe, I was genuinely happy. I don't know if it's possible to ever get that feeling back. Will I ever regain my trust for another? Or will every relationship to come (if any at all) be tainted by fear and mistrust, doomed by these from the start. I wish someone could fix me. I think I should get back on medication, I know it's fake to a certain degree, but it might give me a foothold just strong enough to get me moving forward. Or maybe I just need to endure the loneliness long enough to get clean, I think things will look a lot different after that happens. Addiction sucks. As I sit here just the thought of the withdrawals I will have to endure is enough to make me start to panic. How pathetic is that, it's sad. I need to just buckle down and fucking do it, I've done it before and I can do it again. My procrastination comes into play strong on this one. Always saying "one last time" or drawing near to a deadline and trying to come up with any excuse for "one last hit". All justification, excuses, unnacceptable. "Strength of character is the ability to follow through with resolutions long after the spirit in which they are made has passed." Guess I'm pretty weak-charactered. I was hella motivated to quit on New Years, now it's fucking May and I'm still just as bad if not worse than ever. My very foundations are crumbling and it's only a matter of time before I collapse completely. I do not know what will become of me then, but I do know it won't be good and it terrifies me. I wonder how much longer I can keep this up. Not very long at all I'm sure. Not very long at all. "As I sit here,Slowly close my eyes,I take another deep breath,And feel the wind pass through my body.I'm the one in your soul,Reflecting inner light.Protect the one that holds you, Cradling your inner child.I'm longing serenity,In a place where I can't hide I need serenity,Nothing changes, days go by.Where do we go when we just don't know?And how do we relight the flame when it's cold?Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?And when will we learn to control?Tragic visions,Slowly slow my life,Tear away everything,Cheating me out of my time.I'm the one who loves you,No matter wrong or right.Every day I hold you,I hold you with my inner child. I'm longing serenity.In a place where I can't hide.I need serenity.Nothing changes, days go by.Where do we go when we just don't know?And how do we relight the flame when it's cold?Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?And when will we learn to control?""
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2008, 02:04:25 AM »
"My Smile Lies"   
"Man, I am sick of all this bullshit. I don't know what to do. I can't see past this moment anymore, everything else is so clouded it disappears into obscurity. I no longer feel as if I am living a life as a whole, with memories of yesterdays and dream/hopes of days to come, but instead that broad timeline has been reduced to almost nothing. This moment, this god-forsaken moment, is all there ever is anymore. I used to subscribe to the ideal of "live for the moment" or "there is no time but now", with the view that the past is already over so there is no point in dwelling on it (remembering it). And the future really doesn't exist in any meaningful way so why live your life for tomorrow while missing everything in the present. Well, I still believe that to be somewhat accurate, however, I see and quite miss now that longer timeline. I see that there is much more between the lines when thought is givin to what lies ahead or behind me. Mostly the future is what I miss. Although it's not really realistic to say "miss" as that implies that some thought is givin to the future, or past for that matter. This is not the case, it's more like an amplified apathy, it just doesn't seem to cross my mind ever. My world has crumbled around me and I am left with nothing tangible to hold on to. I am absolutely and utterly alone in my empty ruins. I have no faith in anything, not even myself. I see nothing about this life that is worth living for, wait, strike that. Everything I see that is worth living for (i.e. true love, genuine peace of mind, contentment) seems to be hopelessly unattainable. I am not strong enough to find my way out of this quicksand alone. But even though I am constantly giving people chances, hoping that I might find just one person who I can trust to be there if and when I stray from my path or fall down, I fail without exception. Everyone goes away, everything falls apart. I feel as if those around me view me as a burden with benefits, so to speak. And the moment the balance tips more toward my being a burden then beneficial they walk on. With not a care in the world they turn they're backs on me. And I am forgotten. Passing from their minds like the moments pass through mine. Fading into oblivion. And yet I try so hard to be who I want everyone else to be, I think that may be my problem. I should just give up the thought that just because I act/live in a manner that I believe is the right way to live (to a certain extent) that others might follow suit. And I could positively influence the world and be a light for others. Instead I am used, taken advantage of, disregarded, mocked behind my back, and generally treated like shit. Always on the shelf, like a last resort. But the second someone/something else comes along I am cast aside. My feelings of self-worth are non-existent, I am extremely insecure, I have no confidence in my abilities. I wish I could disappear forever, just go to sleep and sleep forever. But that's not going to happen, I'm not that lucky. I hate my life and what it's become, and I hate myself for letting it get this out of control. I wonder why it is that my entire life, whenever things start to go well for me, when there seems to be hope, it is ripped from my grasp and thrown from my reach, and I have to start over from scratch. It's a vicious circle, a torturous cycle of failure and I want off this carnival ride. But I'm stuck here, too stubborn to give up but too weak spirited to go on. Thus is my purgatory. Something has gotta give. Anything."
« Last Edit: December 01, 2008, 02:10:11 AM by methos »
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2008, 02:05:04 AM »
"Now I'm Nothing"   
"Ever notice how certain songs seem like a sort of "soundtrack song"? Like you can almost see your life, or an event in your life (past, present, or fantasized future) as if watching it in a movie, and the song emphasizes that event. I have a lot of those songs, sadly the underlying similarity between all of them is a sense of tragedy. Sad, the songs I relate to most are depressing visions of desperate moments, lost control, and broken dreams. There are a few that symbolize good memories or fantasies, but I can't remember them. I wonder how much of this is self-inflicted. I'm sure a good portion of it is. It's like I am trapped inside of myself a la "Being John Malkovich" and am forced to watch myself spiral downward on this journey of self-destruction. How appropriate, the song that just came on is Nine Inch Nails "Slipping Away" and the chorus line goes "try to save myself but myself keeps slipping away". Ironic. I wonder if there is anyone out there who can help me, either fix me or show me the way to fix myself. Actually, someone who can guide me and keep me focused, because I know the path, I just don't have the ability or willpower to stay on that path alone. And if I fall too many more times I don't think I will be able to get back up. And I will have ultimately failed. My biggest fear is to be alone. Not just solitary either, I can deal with solitary, I even enjoy it most of the time. It's the alone that hurts, actually causes physical pain knowing that there truly is no one out there. That feeling of being forgotten, a single speck in a swirling mass of humanity. Everyone having ties to others like threads in the web of life so to speak, only my threads have been cut. Aoratos, it means "invisible" in Greek. My biggest fear is quickly becoming my broken reality."
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2008, 02:06:45 AM »
"The Crystal's Method"   
"She takes you out of your world and makes you hers. Letting you think your still in your world, in control of your own life. Tempting you with delusions of grandeur and imagined power. All the while rotting your mind, suffocating your soul and slowly dismantling everything you were and rebuilding you as one of her lifeless, mindless, soulless zombies. I find myself wondering as I look at people who have been caught up, people who used to be perfectly normal people now transformed into the cliche "tweaker" complete with master plans to rule the world "if I could just come up". Bah, famous last words, I wonder if anyone ever does "come up" and succeed in any of their rediculous schemes. Anyways, I wonder where these people were headed before they were snared... It's as if I can see two lives in one set of eyes. One life is what they were supposed to be, with jobs, family, hopes and dreams for tomorrow, goals (tangible goals, not tweaker goals), and passions. The other life is the swirling chaos of trying to cling desperately to some kind of existence, but the overwhelming apathy just sucks them in and they lose sight of everything, thus becoming another one of her mindless drones. I can say without any doubt in my mind that there is something very different about this drug. Something"
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline methos

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2008, 02:09:23 AM »
"Wrath"   
"It really pains me  to see this happening. Seems I am the one who is cursed, cursed to a lifetime of solitude. Condemned to wander forever empty, always searching for sparks of human light in an otherwise dark and rotted world. To be teased with the thought that I may have found someone good, alive, real. Only to discover they are as worthless as the rest. But not soon enough to avoid having my heart and soul wrenched apart when my newfound faith and hope in humanity is crushed into the dirt, to return again but never the same. With each passing hurt I become more and more numb and my regard for life in general fades away a bit. My throat has been cut and its only a matter of time before my heart and soul die, drained of the vital energy I so willingly pour into other people, never having it returned to me. When they (my heart and soul) have died and become black and rotted like this town and so many of its populace, the me that everyone knows will cease to exist, replaced by contempt and cold rage at everything and yet nothing in particular. I fear what I will be capable of doing. It will not be good. I will not be ignored, nor will I be walked on, used, unappreciated, disrespected, threatened, or looked upon as anything less than an equal. My soul is tired and I am done with just ignoring and taking the abuse and hypocrisy I am expected to endure constantly with silent acceptance. Fuck that! No more! People thought I was an asshole before. Ha! They haven't seen anything yet. When I finally lose control and snap, It will be an event forever burned into the minds of those around me (the survivors?), never to fade from memory... always weighing their souls... Perhaps they will be healed, or at least afraid enough to pay more mind to the way they treat others. I can see the pitfall ahead of me, my only hope is that its not too late to avoid falling over the edge into that dark chasm where a horrible monster awaits... a horrible monster that wears my face and answers to my name... That horrible monster is (will be) me. Please don't let me fall. I am not strong enough to fight this demon alone. Yet forward I march in solitude, on a seemingly futile crusade where doom seems to be the only perceivable result... But it must be done. Giving up is not an option. I wish I could give up, check out, stop caring, close my eyes and sleep forever.....                 A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful.      Is this a test?                 It has to be.Otherwise I can't go on.                   Draining patience, drain vitality. This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.But I'm still right here giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.But I'm still right here giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.I'm gonna wait it out.If there were no rewards to reap,                         No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,I certainly would've walked away by now.I'm gonna wait it out.If there were no desire to heal The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,I certainly would've walked away by now.I still may. And I still may.Be patient.I must keep reminding myself of this...If there were no rewards to reap,No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,I certainly would've walked away by now.And I still may. And I still may. And I still may.I'm gonna wait it out.I'm gonna wait it out.Gonna wait it out.Gonna wait it out."
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”  ~Kurt Vonnegut

Offline Syd

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2008, 03:33:20 AM »
I'm only a quick reader when its bound and printed on some nice paper. Do know tho, I want to listen and I am reading. I've, we've not forgot about you, brother...

Offline Syd

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2008, 05:12:49 AM »
I wish I had your will and testament to stay away. In your darkest of days your were so eloquent, not that you were not always, but so much more...If only you had stuck around man...Forget it, you are here now...While I was reading I was wanting to reply to each of your posts as if you were here experiencing these things with us, with me...As you said time stamps do not matter, tho, I use to ask everyone about you, no one knew anything, it was so long brother...oh how I missed you...Obviously you have not forgotten us, welcome home!

Offline JRL

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2008, 01:29:39 PM »
Methos, we need to talk. Come to chat.
a group of us, on peyote, had little to share with a group on marijuana

the marijuana smokers were discussing questions of the utmost profundity and we were sticking our fingers in our navels & giggling
                  Jack Green

Offline Cassie

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2008, 08:50:41 PM »
Hey methos. Love you man! Ima read it all too (very soon). The chat is always up and running often with 20 idlers ...
 :e_surprised:
I've been away from the forum awhile but hope to have time in 'high summer' to catch up with everyone. This is the perfect place for your journals,perhaps even the library section?
catch up soon eh? ...look after yourself
 :cool2
all-love and longtime sunshine

Offline kemp

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2008, 09:06:47 AM »
Miss seeing you around Methos. I swear you and I traded some years ago (like '99)... think it was you.  :smoke2:

Cass, your summer is my nasty winter!  /me jealous  :evil:

Offline tivo_life

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Re: The hell, where I have been.
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2008, 11:26:22 PM »
That's a lot of life.